I have a difficult time being friends with other women. I’ve been exploring this difficulty, and thinking about why it exists. For me… it comes down to a couple of things.
As of late, I’ve been working, making money, feeling better about life. My earlier twenties were somewhat of a dismal time. I was a broke artist, trying to get my art out there, completely unstylish, sad a lot, and I didn’t see myself as beautiful for a long time. While misery loves company, cocky magnificence doesn’t. A lot of the women I rolled with garnered a lot of attention from everywhere, including the opposite sex, and I was the compliant ugly duckling, if you will. Turning 25 brought about this raging river of self development, and I’ve been called “stylish” with a sort of surprise and disdain that disturbs me. It feels as if as soon as I start to feel good about myself, and I guess it is reflected in my appearance, there is a problem.
I mean… it’s all good. I am the kind of person who has always believed in walking in my power, even if I haven’t always been able to. I believe in it. I believe that my affirming my existence, my divinity, doesn’t negate anyone else’s. I also believe that when one doesn’t add to your life, only brings drama, only seeks to use, under the guise of friendship, it’s okay to let it go. Letting go shouldn’t be deemed a negative thing.
About two weeks ago, I was telling my best friend (who is a guy) that I missed having female friends. My bestie from high school, M.D., used to be the light of my life. She called me about a month back, and we talked about how we let guys come between us (her brother and my play brother). Our friendship was so powerful. I think, for that specific friendship… it will be again.
I know I’m all over the place in this post… just follow me.
I’m not a big fan of those who are disingenuous. Fake. Who think the world is about them. Who label. Who thrive in mess. There was a girl in high school, supposedly my friend, who started calling me “Ms Parker” (Monique’s character on The Parkers) because I had a crush on this guy… who didn’t like me back because I was dark-skinned and plump. She thought it was so funny… even after it was clear that I was hurt. I could go on with examples of my different friendships like this with women, but I won’t. I continue to give new friendships with women a chance, but I am starting to feel like I am disillusioned to think that they will ever be more than waves from across a venue, an occasional text conversation, an invitation to an event about them… etc. I’m about building solid relationships… I have plenty of associates.
In the world of music, it’s even harder to find genuine female friends because of the competition factor. People never believe you truly support them, never believe that they AREN’T better than you, always try to claw above you rather than build with you, so mostly I just think… why the hassle? Why waste my time?
And I guess… that’s my general thought. Why waste my time? Why allow these women to attempt to make me feel bad about myself in the name of feeling good about themselves. As I grow as a person, I realize that everyone won’t take on that growth by osmosis. So I let go. I take comfort in the women who I know will always be there (Thank you Eviey, Meilani, Malena, and Ellen). And I stop feeling guilty for growing up. Growing awake. Growing free.
